It seems like a while since I've posted a Wal-mart Experience update, so I thought I'd take a moment and explain.  Since the baby's arrived, I think I've only been to Wal-mart twice.  I wrote about one of them, and I was so tired I completely forgot about the second one.  To be fair, it was pretty uneventful with relatively short lines and only a few stinky people.  I did walk down to Wal-mart today to pick up some low-carb lunch stuff and discovered something terribly interesting about a North Raleigh Walmart...

Since I was on the grocery side, I was looking for a lane in that section to go through.  Every lane was backed up into the main aisle, so Jim (my co-worker) and I headed down towards the other entrance to check out the lanes there.  We were able to walk straight up to a self-checkout and we were out in less than 5 minutes (including the walk to the far side and back).

I'm not sure this had anything to do with Wal-mart at all, since they obviously had enough open lanes to support the amount of customer traffic for that time of day.  It does point to my previous points about how much people are like sheep.  As always, follow this general rule:  If you see a large congregation of people, head in the opposite direction.

That advice would probably save your life in a zombie uprising.

Craig 6, Walmart Experience 1

I haven't had a lot of time to watch much TV lately – but when I do, I notice some alarming trends.  It seems like everyone is using the same advertising agency and all the agency is doing is saying "we've got a great tampon commercial – we'll sell your tomato juice using that format".

Remember when advertising was entertaining?  I can remember when catch-phrases like "Where's the Beef" and "I've fallen and I can't get up" were embedded in the national pop-culture – in fact, I bet if you're close to my age you STILL remember those phrases and probably got a little half-smile when you read those lines.  Now, all the advertising is the same.  It's boring, it's annoying, and in some cases downright subversive.  For those of you who don't see this alarming pattern let me lay it out for you:

Side-effects may include projectile leprosy

Everyone knows about this commercial.  It's the one that paints a pretty picture of landscapes, walks through parks, people wearing light happy colors and directs me to ask my doctor if "Damitol" is right for me, even though they haven't told me what it actually does or in what circumstances asking my doctor about it would be appropriate.  I don't want to be sitting in the office and say "so, Doc, you say I've got terrible hemorrhoids, so is Cialis right for me?"  They are kind enough to rapidly slam my face with a list of side effects that almost always include some kind of oily discharge erupting from my rectum or a boner that could last most of my waking day - like I need another one of those.

I love having my STD

I always imagined once you had herpes or one of those other untreatable lifelong STDs, you just went off and joined a colony of like-genitaled individuals.  Then I saw this commercial, and discovered women who have herpes like to ride bicycles, go for long walks in the park, and have unprotected sex with dirty people.  I'm so glad they're not letting the funk get them down, or stop them from continuing to spread their legs and the funk.  I'm sure they're proud, but I don't want to think about infected pubic areas while I'm trying to have dinner.

Children are smarter than parents

I first noticed this one when the little girl told her mom in that stupid garble text message speech that "OMG NBD", and the mom just acted like she didn't quite know what to do.  I have a suggestion…take the child's cell phone, beat her with it, and cancel the plan – taking the termination fee out of the savings you'll gain by not buying her anymore trendy clothes and gadgets, and by not letting her out of the house.  Heck, teach her to cook so you can enjoy an afternoon nap while she gets dinner ready.

They kicked it up a notch with the seven year old who told his dad instead of checking out the tree house his dad just built, he'd rather sit in the van and let the air conditioner run so he and his little buddy could watch the built in DVD player WHILE THEY'RE PLAYING A VIDEO GAME.  To make matters worse, the dad just closes the door and lets the kid have his way. 
I'm afraid this commercial makes me angry because it's a little too close to the truth.  Children run all over the top of their parents, and it does seem like the kids are smarter than the parents…but that's only because the parents are stupid and too lazy to straighten out that little misconception. 

It's a simple equation folks:  1 hand + 1 bottom = a kid others don't mind being around

Get a bigger wang and have sex whenever you want it

I'm blown away by the long reaching implications that a sizeable part of the population needs medication or supplements to get a handle on their manhood.  I'm sure polling would show a large majority of men are insecure about certain areas of their lives, but diving deeper would demonstrate how overblown those fears are.  Maybe I'm just not getting something, but long and the short of it is, no medicine or supplement is going to get your more action - there's this other limiting factor called "women".

And no, just taking a pill is not going to make me the talk of the town, unless it makes me do strange things like go through the drive thru without a car and pants.  I'm guessing that would probably get me noticed.

Oh yeah, and if I'm taking medicine so I can have a moment with my wife, should we be in separate bathtubs and outdoors?  What is this, some kind of hippie commune?

Regular birth control is anti-American, but STD vaccinations are totally cool

I'd never thought of it this way, but I'm so glad someone finally set the record straight for me.  I had no idea that while the original birth control was liberating, it still wasn't fair because instead of worrying about not having rampant sex, now you have to worry about taking a little pill everyday.

Thank God someone came up with a way for a woman to manipulate her body making it so she doesn't have to take a daily whore pill.  This new birth control makes it so a woman only has 4 periods a year, instead of the normal 12 to 13 God gave them naturally.  Never mind that birth control wreaks havoc on hormonal systems and increases the risk of stroke (good lord). 

I wonder if the rise in HPV (genital warts) has coincided with the increase in use of birth control.  See, they can spin it any way they'd like, but women can also avoid pregnancy by just not having sex.  It turns out to be a pretty good way to avoid sexually transmitted diseases as well. 

I just don't want to hear someone bitching about having to take a pill every day so they don't get preggers when they probably shouldn't be ho-ing around to begin with.  And for the love of all that's good, if you are going to ho around, at least have the dude wear a raincoat.  Otherwise, you'll love having your STD too.

Basically, it boils down to keeping your mouth closed and your legs shut.

I Sure don't want to see your armpits - ever

This one's quick.  If I was a taxi driver and you hailed me, and then got in my face to tell me smugly "I'd rather walk"…I'd run your skinny butt over.  I bet this girl probably thinks she's smarter than her parents.  She's probably got HPV, Herpes, and doesn't give her boyfriend any play so he's on Cialis and Enzyte.  I bet she gripes endlessly about how unfair birth control is.  I'm Sure I'd like to slap her senseless along with ad exec who thought this commercial was a good idea.

I went to wal-mart this evening for groceries.  For the most part it was very uneventful, but I got lucky because the cashier closed her line after I'd already unloaded my groceries on the belt so everyone else behind me had to find another line.  That's at least 5 for the Walmart Experience, but that's also 5 for me since I didn't get screwed in the process.  That's a wash for a total of +0.

One minor thing that did annoy me a little but really wasn't such a big deal is they started restocking efforts at about 8:00 pm.  That means they drag all the pallets to the big aisles and work off the pallets to deliver food to the shelves.  This had the unfortunate effect of trapping customers along the wall of meat with no way to get back to the regular food aisles - since they blocked every single opening.

Now, I fully understand the need to have adequately stocked shelves.  I also realize Wal-mart is a 24 hour store, and never has a "closed" timeframe to restock like other grocery stores.  What I can't figure out is why they wouldn't shift restocking to hours when there are fewer customers in the store - say between midnight and 6:00 am.  I mean, if you've got to be open anyway, why not take advantage of the lull in the crowd and do your stocking when you won't inconvenience customers.

Again, it's just poor management.  My wife was with me and that helped make it not so annoying that it ruined my trip - it was just an observation.  Craig 3, Walmart 1.

I didn't realize I'd have so much to write about, but unfortunatly due to some issues with my 14 year old car and the fact my sick cat was out of wet food, I had to go to walmart again today.  I had to hunt for a parking spot that wasn't in the next county, but finally settled on the next county. 

I walked through the doors on the side closest to the automotive section (not the tire and lube entrance though) and tried to grab a cart...except they were all covered in something resembling filth.  I say resembling filth because I think filth was cleaner than what was on the carts.  The carts that weren't covered in what my wife and I refer to as "Fung" were all taunting me with their lopsided baskets and their broken, free-spinning wheels.

I finally found an acceptable cart and got my shopping done.  Except for an occasional customer who plows through an intersection without checking to see who's coming, there were no incidents.  I approached the checkouts closest to my exit, but lo and behold - ONLY THE SELF CHECKOUTS WERE OPEN.  That's right...no staffed checkout lanes to accomidate the people who can't handle the admittedly sometimes cantankerous technology.  The lines were naturally backed up to the merchandise aisles with customers pushing full carts trying to use the self checkouts.  I started walking...

Midway to the other entrance, I found a single cashier in the cigarrette section who was checking out about 6 customers each with full carts...I kept walking.

The other entrance was no different, except there were no people here.  There were plenty of self checkout lanes available, but I guess I just happened to find it empty.  It just goes to show you that adopting the herd mentality and falling in line behind others doesn't pay off.  Actually, I'm thinking that normally leads to a slaughterhouse...

Anyway, once I found the open checkout spot it was smooth sailing.  I don't understand walmart sometimes.  Why would they let customers endure long lines when other checkouts were available at the other end of the store?  Why would you have a total of 1 cashier on duty, and then only in the cigarrette section when you obviously have enough business - judging from the full parking lot - to justify having 3 or 4 more?

Was I terribly inconvenienced...no.  Did I wind up annoyed?  Well, from what you've read, you already know the answer is a resounding yes.  Nasty, broken carts + inadequate staffing + dumb customers + dodgy technology = +1 for Walmart Experience.

Craig 2, Walmart Experience 1

Tomorrow, they're supposed to release the opinion on the 2nd Amendment so I'll be posting some thoughts on a couple of interesting Supreme Court cases I've been watching. 

I walked down to Wal-mart today on my lunch break with my friend from work.  I returned a pair of jeans I bought a couple of weeks ago, which counts as interacting with the Wal-mart Experience Engine.  The return was quick and easy, despite not having a receipt.  There was initially a bit of a line, but someone noticed a line was stacking up and came up to the Customer Service Desk and broke the line down quickly.  They put the return money on a wal-mart gift card (perfectly acceptable since I didn't have my receipt) and I was on my way.

Craig 2, Wal-mart Experience 0

People who've followed my blog (or my conversations) know that I despise going to Wal-mart and would gladly choose Target whenever possible.  I've always stated "I'd rather pay a few pennies more at Target than have to deal with Wal-mart raising my blood pressure".

Unfortunatly, I don't live near a Target, and I can walk from my job to a Wal-mart during my lunch break so I find myself going to Wal-mart more often than I'd care to admit.  This got me thinking today - do I really hate Wal-mart that much, or am I letting a few bad experiences color my impression.  Surely I've had bad experiences with Target too?  Plus, with a baby on the way I'm going to probably start paying more attention to "a few pennies more".

Starting today, I'll be running a new feature called "Craig vs. the Walmart Experience".  It works like this:

Each time I go to Wal-mart, I'll write a brief entry on what, if anything, made my visit annoying or pleasant.  If I have a positive experience, that's 1 for me.  If I have a negative experience, that's 1 for the Walmart Experience. 

Please note, I'm not tracking whether Wal-mart is bad.   There are so many factors involved that I can't possibly comment about how bad Wal-mart is, except for when I worked at the one in Greenville...that was too bizarre.  I believe the Wal-mart Experience is a perfect storm of dumb customers, unmotivated employees, and insufficient staffing.  It has little to do with Wal-mart as a juggernaut, and much more to do with how individual stores are managed based on the guidance given to them by their home office.

I wanted to start today because, much like in windows solitare, I wanted to save my score while I was up.  Today's trip was pleasant because it was entirely uneventful.  I went through the self-checkout with a handful of items, I didn't have to stand in line because most of the other people were using the properly staffed checkout lanes, and there was no struggle with the self-checkout computer to get out of the store as intended.

Today's score Craig 1, Walmart Experience 0

I'm adding a link in the navigation section which will link back to this post.  The link will keep the running total, but for newcomers, they can click on the link to refer back to this post, where they'll find the rules and explanation.  I plan on running this for at least a year.  I believe I'll find justification for not going to Wal-mart anymore, but I hope I'll be pleasantly surprised.

I was just reading this article on msnbc:  http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25311529/, and from the start thought the writer is living in la-la land.  The premise is the american "can do" attitude is under assault by outside forces beyond our control.  The truth is, our american ingenuity is under assault by forces from within - which are completly under our control, but we've chosen to do nothing about.

We've had a two party system for so long, we've forgotten how to put anyone else into power.  The two major parties have worked their magic to practically guarantee several things:  1) No other political party is going to get enough face time to gather traction, 2) People are too distracted by "ideological" differences to realize both parties are almost exactly the same, and 3) the american people are divided enough that absolutely nothing of any value can get through congress except spending more money in the guise of bolstering "american interests". 

The major thing eroding american "can-do" is the millions of americans who won't do much of anything.  You can't keep going when most of the people are living off the rest of us.  This is going to get much worse when the baby boomers do retire and finally crush the social security and medicare systems.  The truth is, the US government is such a mess, there may not be any way to fix it.  I've been hearing several musicians suggest maybe it's time to start over...

Before you say "well, those guys are just hippies", bear in mind it was the hippies that pretty much started a revolution back in the 60s and are currently ruining the country now.  They've already destroyed our country's values, why not destroy our value as well.

It's no wonder people are feeling like they can't do it anymore.  Our leaders have placed this country in a position where we rely on them for everything.  The sad part is, we've done it to ourselves.

My mother-in-law discovered a pattern.  Everytime I go away for an extended period and work long hours, I get sick.  I've never really thought of myself as a sickly person, but since I've been at ITS, it seems like I get sick frequently and it always seems to coincide with long work weeks and strange sleep schedules.

Some of you may remember around Christmas when I almost cancelled the Christmas party due to nausea, diarrhea, and slight fever.  Fortunatly, that wound up being an 18 hour thing that passed and no one else got sick so I'm guessing my immune system just can't take the lack of sleep.

I wonder what's more frustrating for my wife, having me gone for days on end, or having me around the house sick?  I'm sure it's no fun being around someone who is constantly complaining about not feeling good.  I won't even let her give me a smooch since she's less than 4 weeks from D-Day (Delivery Day) and I'd hate for her to get sick now.

Plus it's freaking hot outside.  I wonder if all the extreme temperature differences have anything to do with it?  I was in a siberian computer room this past week and the average temperature was 58F.  Temperatures outside were running high 90s.  I'm sure that probably takes it's toll on your body as well.

Is anyone planning on seeing "The Happening"?  It looks fairly apocalyptic and I'm all about some end of the world movies.  I know Shane wants to go, and my wife said she'd like to skip it but has no problem with me going.  "The Happening" and "The Hulk" are on my to see list before the baby comes.  Any takers?